My acid reflux had persisted long enough that a few months ago my nurse practitioner ordered a CT scan of my abdomen. I had well-founded doubts about the necessity of the test. A personal list would be boring but a flavor if the general principle is helpful. In one of my favorite studies, researchers did MRIs on 98 people without any back pain. Only 36% of those scans came back normal. 64% on healthy people had abnormal results. What does this mean for people with pain who have abnormal MRI’s? It’s complicated but often the test results are not helpful and are being ordered less.

I did the scan anyway. I knew the radiation could give me cancer. I knew it probably wouldn’t help, but when she recommended it, I consented.

I did it because I felt that, if I didn’t, I would get terminal cancer, and it would turn out that if I had only had done the scan I would have found out in time to do something about it. Hubris would be my downfall, and crushing regret would follow. This is would happen if my life was a story. Where actions follow from character traits and the results lead to a thematic conclusion.

My life isn’t a story. It’s just a life, and it is far more random than a story. Sometimes bad shit happens not because I’m flawed but just because I’m unlucky. Sometimes good comes to me, not from my virtues but because many random events turned out in my favor. Thomas Merton, one of the great religious thinkers of his time, died while touching the faulty wiring of a bedside lamp. No theme, just random bad luck.

The logic of life concerns the best evidence, statistically important outcomes, and the weighing of harms and benefits. The logic of fiction is Chekhov’s gun. If a gun is introduced in act one, then someone will fire it by act three. If a medical scan is discussed then someone is going to die of cancer by the end. The fiction logic is hard to shake. At work, I’m not allowed to say it looks quiet on the floor because that statement will make it busy. In a story, the startling bang comes right when everything is quiet.

I got the scan. It came back negative. No cancer. No cosmic karma involved. Just a little more radiation for my aging body.